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Rerun Time/Absolutely Flabulous

Storms are rolling through this week making my satellite internet connection hit or miss. My mouse is broken and needs to be replaced and everyone is getting ready to celebrate the holiday so what better time than to dig into the archives and do some reruns.

“Absolutely Flabulous”

As I was visiting Chris’ blog, Living Well Naturally, I stopped to read her entry today which was a list of how to tell if you are getting older. I related to all of them but one of them in particular:

You know you’re old when:
* Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face”

It reminded me of an incident which happened to me recently so here is one of my most embarrassing moments for your enjoyment.

Before my MRSA infection and subsequent RSDS diagnosis, I was for a brief moment in time a Size Zero. But after a year off my feet, I managed to pack on some pounds and I no longer am a member of the skeleton crew. I’m a nicely rounded Size 6 but because I spend every day in blue jeans and sweatshirts, I haven’t bothered to update the rest of my wardrobe in my larger size. And, as with all women, hope springs eternal that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be a size zero again.

Recently, I had to attend a party which required wearing an evening dress. I looked in my closet and there was no way I was going to get those tiny evening gowns over my expanded body and I wasn’t about to buy a dress I would never use again. I had seen many ads for undergarments that promise to shrink you two sizes so I decided if I bought one of those contraptions, I could use it to get into my old clothes.

When I put my new slim suit on, it did the trick. Yes, I felt like a sausage encased in a tight binding but my size zero dress went right on. Never mind the fact I was barely breathing and I was sure I’d never be able to sit down. The dress was on and I looked totally glamorous, an old lady 10 if there ever was one.

We headed out the door, Mountain Man right behind me.

“What are those things on your back?”

I instantly thought of bugs and started swatting at some unseen insect.

“No, it’s not a bug. What are those lumps back there? It looks like you have your bra on backward. What is it?” Mountain Man started to approach me, hand outstretched to feel the protruding objects.

I had a sinking feeling I knew what had happened and before he could thump the offending objects, I dashed into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and there they were, just as Mountain Man so eloquently described, two huge new lumps on my back. My beautiful spandex undergarment had taken all that excess from my stomach and hips and turned me into a 4 breasted woman.

So impressed was I with the way my dress had gone over my newly lithe body and with the miracle of spandex, I had forgotten to check the rear view.

The moral of this story is that if you take an undergarment that promises to shrink you two sizes, remember all that extra body fat doesn’t disappear, no, it disperses somewhere and chances are you are not going to be happy with its new location so be sure to look in the mirror and check the rear view.

As for me, I grabbed a shawl and wrapped it around my upper body and hid the lumps.

And, Mountain Man, well he was curious as to what those lumps were and I made some mumbling response but there are just some things you don’t want to share with the significant other in your life.