From Whence We Came
- February 27, 2009
- Category: Daily Diary
- (32) Comments
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We are born looking ahead. We anxiously await our first day of school, our first date, our first driver’s license, the day we leave for college, the day we leave home, our marriage, our babies. The list is endless as we impatiently await for our lives to unfold. And, perhaps it is the challenge of those “firsts” that drive us through life and keep us reaching towards our dreams. But life is also here, in this the present moment. It is not to be missed as we push ahead towards other days.
When my husband was killed, I never had the chance to say goodbye. He walked out the door and I never saw him again until I saw his body at the funeral home. We, the two of us, were so busy looking forward to retirement, to a new home, to our son’s graduation. Did we stay in the present and give thanks for each day? I would like to think we did. But even more so now do I give thanks for I understand how transitory our time is here on earth.
Each and every day, I make sure I stay solidly grounded in the present. As I set goals for myself, I daily remember Psalm 118: 24:
“This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”
I make a concerted effort to be present in each minute of my life and enjoy God’s bounty that manifests itself in the every day. I take time to notice the smallest of snowflakes, the smell of the cold winter air, the crackle of the logs in the wood stove, the sound of the horses as they eat their hay, the smile on Mountain Man’s face. Yes, every day is a blessing and there is nothing too small to be worthy of notice.
But, today, as gray surrounds Red Pine Mountain and an icy drizzle rains down from the sky, I am taking the time to look back from whence I came.
If you have read earlier entries, you know that my Mother and I have struggled with our relationship. She perhaps has not always understood the child to whom she gave birth so late in life and I, as a child and young adult, perhaps did not understand that which drove her. But, as happens when we age, I understand my Mother now and compassion has grown with understanding. Yes, I have always loved her but at times, for both of us, it has been so very difficult.
My Mother is now in her late 80s and is not feeling well these days. Until now, I have refused to acknowledge she might be mortal. We all think of our mothers as mythical beings who will be with their daughters forever but there is no magic charm to keep those we love with us forever.
And, as I gaze out the window and listen to the ice pelting the roof, tears fall from my eyes as I think of all the times my Mother has been there for me.
I have many memories, fond memories.
She was there for the birth of my son. Yes, right there in the delivery room and she, along with my husband, were the first people my child saw as he emerged from the womb. It was she who helped me through those first days of having a baby at home when I was too scared to handle this tiny infant. Through her ministrations, I learned to be a confident, assured mother.
It was she who dropped everything and came to be with me when my husband was killed. She held me in her arms and rocked me at night as sobs wracked my body when I was sure I would not make it through another day. She stayed with me long after the funeral until she was sure I could function on my own.
She has never forgotten a birthday nor a Valentine’s Day nor a Christmas nor any other important day in my life. On Valentine’s Day, after my husband was killed, bouquets of flowers arrived each year letting me know she was thinking about me. There have been many vacations as well to to far away lands, to spas and other destinations I would never have seen on my own.
We have laughed together too, over trivial things, mother daughter things, those small things which make a family.
And, as I look back to my earliest years, there are so many loving times we shared and I am grateful for each one.
Each time I see her, she is a little bit smaller, less of a mythical figure and I am no longer a child. All I know is she is my Mother and I love her. And, if she should leave the earth before me, my world will become a little more gray. But, while we are both alive, there is still time to enjoy the moment.
Song of Solomon 8:7
“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.”
And to those of you who are holding on to pain, I hope this helps.
Corinthians 13: 11-13
” When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
We are on the earth for such a brief moment. How easy it is to hold on to past hurts and grudges. But there is beauty in that we can start each day anew. Search for that which is holy in each person. Love your family while they are still alive.
Beautifully written, and so very true. My mother has now gone on,… but not a day goes by that I don’t cherish her memory. I hope my daughter will feel the same about me.
Date: February 27, 2009
What a beautiful story. I’m sorry for the lost of your husband. I’m a new reader to your blog and did not know of this .
Four years ago, my extremely active mother, broke her hip. I have been caring for her since. We’ve had 3 surgeries to fix what was done wrong and finally a different dr. has fixed it and eased her pain.
Even though she is pain free for the first time since the injury, she is able to walk short distances and tries to regain her social life as much as I’m able to take her about. She’ll soon be 86yrs. of age and our roles are reversing more and more. I get tired and impatient and I have to stop and reflect. But I don’t think I’ll be able to handle things, when she’s not here anymore. We’ve always been very close, but more so now.
Date: February 27, 2009
How insightful. It is lovely on how you forgave your mother and learned to respect her for who she was. I like how you appreciate her and how she came through for you on so many occasions. It is important to live for today, so many people don’t take the time to do that. Many people laugh at me for appreciating the little things in life, but I too, have experienced loss and it teaches you to take a moment for the simplier joys in life. Many don’t find this out until it is too late.
Lovely post today.
Date: February 27, 2009
How beautifully written this post is. It is hard to live in the moment, sometimes easier to not do so, since that would mean that we must acknowledge our short time here.
And sometimes it is easier to hang onto pain then to let it go.
I hope that all of us, will take this post to heart, and realize what it means to truly live in the moment.
Thank you for writing such a inspiring post.
Jen
Date: February 28, 2009
That is a beautiful tribute to your mother.
Date: February 28, 2009
You have come a long way with your relationship. I admire your strength:)
Date: February 28, 2009
What a lovely and inspiring post. Thank you for reminding us to be in the moment. All too often, this is forgotten in our daily struggles.
Date: February 28, 2009
Beautifully written. I am sorry for your loss. So glad your mother was there for you and your son. My mother has been gone almost 6 yrs and my father for 4 yrs. I think of them everyday and miss them terribly. Good memories help to ease the loss.
Date: February 28, 2009
Lovely summary of what so many of us feel and think. It’s really hard to move on and think of right here and now sometimes. Again you have captured the moment.
Date: February 28, 2009
Nicely written and touching post….I can see that your relationship with your mother has really blossomed. You are blessed to have her with you every step of the journey. Hard to imagine not having my mother. Don’t even like to think about it.
Date: February 28, 2009
This is such a beautiful tribute to your mother.
Right before my mother passed away, we had come to the point where she was getting a bit frailer and she relied on me more. And I was glad I was there to give her what she gave to me…support and love
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post with us.
Date: February 28, 2009
There is beauty in that we can start each day anew… What a beautiful thought!
You are so right in that we need to enjoy today – and give thanks for the now.
My mother too is getting on… has had several heart attacks … it is scary to think that these creatures are mortal. But also worthwhile – so that we can enjoy our mums while we still have them with us.
Date: February 28, 2009
What an absolutely beautiful post. Thanks for the reminder…we need it every now and then, don’t we?
Date: February 28, 2009
Thank you for the reminders in faith, hope sand Love.
Trying at present to not allow someone to steal my joy and practicing heaping coals. My mother
is right there with me too! I appreciate her loyalty but am sad she has to have some of my present pain.
I really love the way you write and share. Your heart is truly beautiful in the Lord.
KK
Date: February 28, 2009
This was so beautiful and compelling.
I had no idea you lost your husband so tragically and unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you because those moments are never gone.
I’m glad you have found peace and contentment in your relationship with your mother. And I’m glad she has reached out to you so many times through the years. I hope you have her for awhile yet.
My mom just turned 77 and I’m afraid our relationship is more complicated, and difficult, then can be explained. But God is still at work and capable of things we cannot imagine. And my life is full.
Many comforting blessings to you today and thank you for sharing such a deep part of your life.
Date: February 28, 2009
I loved the way you wove in the bible verses. Thanks for the reminder to live in the moment and appreciate each gift we are given.
Date: February 28, 2009
What a wonderful and very touching post. I too am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.
My husband spends weeks away from home so that we too can get ready for retirement. I have often thought about this past decade that we have lost so much time together. Has it really been worth it?
It certainly can never be given back to us. I am also a child raised by a mother who adopted me when she was almost 50.
We too had our issues. But, she is gone now and I would give almost anythng to have her back.
Yes we must always try to stay focused in the moment….remember the past, dream the future, live the present!
My favorite quote!!
Blessings of peace t you and yours,
Jackie:-)
Date: February 28, 2009
Your thoughts are so moving. I sit here feeling much more mindful of God’s blessings in my life, yet at the same time, my heart aches for you. I, too, have had stuggles with my mother and being misunderstood. And through it all I know that I always have someone in my corner, my husband. I can’t even begin to fathom the struggles you have had to endure. It blesses me to hear your faith through it all. Please know that you have forever been imprinted on my heart and will be in my prayers.
Keep the faith,
Pam
Date: February 28, 2009
P.S. – Thank you for such a sweet comment on my blog. And thank you for reading.
Pam
Date: February 28, 2009
What a nice thing of your mom to do, send you flowers every year. I have that Psalm 118:24 verse on my desk at work where I see it often. Each day we have is gift from God. I had a great relationship with my mom and miss her so much. We were very close.
Date: March 01, 2009
What an amazing post! I really enjoyed it. I lost my mother eight years ago, she was only 56, and not a day goes by that I do not think of her and miss her and wish we had more time together. Thank you for reminding us that every day is a blessing and to appreciate even the smallest gifts that we encounter.
Date: March 01, 2009
I just noticed you are following my Amazing Journey, Amazing Grace blog. Thanks! I have another post just about ready to go up on that blog.
I plan to check out your blog more thoroughly when I have more time. I really enjoyed your post today. I wasn’t very close to my own mom, which is sad. She’s been gone for nearly 17 years. But, when I get to Heaven, I fully expect to have a wonderful relationship with her!
Date: March 01, 2009
Is Mountain man your current companion?
Coming through the ups and downs of bittersweet love makes the love stronger, don’t you think? Few people see the very worsts in us and still love as so adamently. . .
Date: March 01, 2009
Your post was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes . . .
Date: March 02, 2009
First I want to congratulate you for being chosen as this week’s Compassionate blog. You so deserve this honor.
I am inspired and touched here with every visit. As a matter of fact. You were one source that I pulled from when I wrote my post at http://shinade.blogspot.com for Scenic Sunday and also Mellow Yellow Monday.
I hope you get a chance to stop by and read it.
Blessings,
Jackie:-)
Date: March 02, 2009
Very enjoyable reading your posts and I enjoy the use of scripture in them. Red Pine Mountain – sounds like a very nice place… Thanks for sharing
Date: March 02, 2009
Thank you for a sweet visit today, I was touched.
You have a healing way about you and it is apparent to me that the Lord has blessed your life. I am thaknful for His loving kindnesses I recieve from you.
You have a lovley day, you are part of mine!
Kac
Date: March 02, 2009
In reading your post about loosing your husband and your relationship with your mom I felt such a connection. I too lost my husband suddenly 5 years ago, I dropped him off at work in the morning and never got to see him again until the funeral viewing. He died much too young of a massive heart attack on the job. He left behind 3 children and myself all lost, angry, hurt and devastated. My mom too stepped in and flew us all back to my original home in California for a week to “get away”. I never even touched his clothes for over a year, couldn’t bear it. The pain that we carry is so hard for others who have not experienced it to understand. My mom and I have had our times, but as you stated about your mother, she has always been there and is now becoming mortal to me also. Scary, she is shrinking! LOL Little tiny lady of 85, she asks me to tell her how old she is all the time, I smile and of course say, “not a day over 50!” Thank you again for the sweet post…….
Date: March 02, 2009
Beatuiful post!
BTW you have an award waiting for you over at my blog
Date: March 02, 2009
My Mother also is in her late 80′s. She looks more smaller each time I see her now. We have had our “times”, good and bad.
It is good to remember the good ones over the bad ones.
Great post.
Pam
Date: March 03, 2009
I lost my mother 9 years ago and my father 10 years ago. To this day, I feel like an orphan. When I look to someone with wisdom, there is only me, when I look to someone with true compasion and caring of a parent, the buck stops with me. Sigh.
I miss them, both, every day and in every way. I still remember thier phone number, I can’t drive by thier house (I don’t want to know how it has changed), I pretend they are on a trip and will come back into my life again soon, someday.
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
Date: March 03, 2009
Hello to everyone. I was so moved by your comments as you shared the love you have for your Mothers and the impact your Mothers have had on your life.
Cedar, I know your daughter will feel the same way about you as you feel for your Mother. You are a very special person.
Karen, I thank you so much for sharing your story with me and my readers. So many of us can relate to your situation. I’m so glad your Mother found a doctor who has helped to ease her pain. I can relate to how the two of you are becoming closer as the roles are reversing.
Lin, I’m so glad you understand about appreciating the simple things in life and enjoying the moment. It’s a terrible thing to learn this only after someone has died. Thank you for your insightful comment.
Muddy Boots, Thank you so much for your beautiful comment.
Karen, Thank you!
Far Side of Fifty, I’ve come a long way certainly but perhaps that is because just as you, I’m on that far side of 50. Age helps perspective.
Sinclaire, Thank you.
Sassy Dog, I’m so sorry you’ve lost both your Mother and your Father. I can only begin to imagine how much you miss them.
Julia, thank you.
Pony Girl, it is awful to think about life without your Mother in the world.
Dori, I think about you often and I was thinking about you when I wrote this post. I admire your strength and your resiliency always.
Lady Fi, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother’s heart attacks. I will keep you both in my prayers.
Tami, Thank you.
All Horse Stuff, Please never, ever let anyone steal your joy. If you share your troubles with God through prayers, you will find comfort. We are here with you as well.
Robynn, Thank you. I’m sorry you have a complicated relationship with your Mother. Mine has been difficult as well but as I wrote once “We all did our best at that moment in time” and I think that’s true. As I look back on my days of mothering, I would have changed many things as well but at the moment, I was sure I was doing the right thing. I’m so glad God is at work in your life and yes, through Him all things are possible.
Carole, thank you. The Bible is very special to me and is my main source of comfort.
Shinade, I’m so glad I have found you and your friendship. Your heartfelt posts and comments on my blog mean the world to me. Thank you for sharing yourself.
Pam, thank you for your beautiful comment. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve had such a blessed, amazing life and even though my husband was killed, we had almost 30 amazing years together and I carry that with me always. I so appreciate being in your prayers. That is an honor. Thank you.
Karen, I’m so glad you can carry the love you had for your Mom with you always. Yes, each day we have is a gift and we should treat it with the respect and honor God meant us to have. Thank you for that important reminder.
Five O’Clock Somewhere, I’m so sorry you lost your Mother when she was only 56. That must have been so difficult for you.
Homestay Mama, I do enjoy your blog. I love blogs that are inspired by the Bible and try to educate us on God’s word.
Mike, thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.
45 and Aspiring, Yes, Mountain Man is my husband. Yes, love only grows stronger through trials and faith. And, yes, he has definitely seen me at my worst.
Gina, I’m so glad I found you. My heart goes out to you and you are with me in my prayers.
Stephanie, Thank you!
Pam, yes, it is best to remember the good times.
Day Photo, Your comment made my heart ache and want to give you a hug. You have such a beautiful, precious family and are blessed with grandchildren so the cycle of life continues. Your parents would be so very proud of you.
To All: I often say I have the best readers and I do. You share your hearts and that is a blessing. I hope each of you reads everyone comments because you are all truly beautiful people who have given freely of yourselves. I am humbled by you all.
Thank you.
Mountain Woman
Date: March 07, 2009