Company
- October 14, 2008
- Category: Daily Diary, Uncategorized
- (19) Comments
Quiet envelopes me. The day is about to dawn. The dogs surrounding our bed are sleeping peacefully. An occasional snore breaks the silence but they are not yet ready to stir. I open my eyes and see the fog, a thick blanket moving down from our mountain encasing us in a shroud of silence. The trees are still, the mountain quiet. I take a deep breath and snuggle under my comforter luxuriating in the stillness. My soul feels at peace, rejuvenated.
My family has long been anxious to meet Mountain Man and visit the farm I now call home. Our excuse has long been that we have no place for company with the six dogs in the house. We live amongst fur, drool and water dripped from dog bowls. My Mother requires a clean environment. My brother now retired and in possession of a large RV, had the solution. They could stay in his RV while they visited. So they left the South, my brother, his two dogs, my Mother, and my beloved, gentle Aunt on a journey to our northern wilderness.
I awaited their arrival with mixed emotions, part delight and part dread, for I am at a stage in my life where I live a reclusive, contemplative life on our Mountain. Old childhood emotions struggled to overwhelm me and my adult self forged battle with the child still residing within.
They arrived and my heart swelled with gladness to see them. Noise erupted. Chaos abounded as our visitors made themselves at home in our driveway.
Barking, barking, barking as eight canines tried to interact.
I had thought our northern weather would send them on their way quickly. I had warned them about the weather this time of year. Harsh, cold, grey. Yet the weather proved me a liar as Indian Summer arrived with each day warmer and brighter than the next. We sat outside on lawn chairs, watched the mountains and talked trivialities. We ate delicious dinners prepared lovingly by Mountain Man and my Mother and my brother. Words came out of my mouth at dinner one night, unbidden and mean. Don’t go there I told myself and I drew a tighter rein on my emotions and stayed in the present.
I love my family but it hurts. There is rage still beneath the surface, old hurts, old jealousies so quick to want to surface. But I love them too. My heart aches to see us age. We did our best at a different time in the world.
Company is here and with each day that dawns, I long for the quiet of my life again. To ride the trails, to read, to write, to never discuss the past with those who were there, to leave a blanket over all that was. Yet, I am reluctant for them to leave. We are aged and I wonder if we will ever be together again. My heart aches.
I love my family and as they pack up and leave
Mountain Man and I have a quiet dinner, watch some television, revel in our privacy, and fall into bed. The dogs worn out from all their barking relax and are still.
Can you go home again? No, I think not. It’s painful, personal and not a place I want to be. Can you forge a new relationship with the past, rebuild it as something solid in the present? Yes, you can, tentatively, one small, kind word at a time. No recriminations, no soul searching of past angst. The present, this moment only, for there is no other time not filled with familial pain.
I’m not sure what I want from a past that tries to haunt me but I no longer open those doors.
I love my family.
I am at peace.
I thank God once again for my struggles, my faith, my life.
B.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.
All I have to say is communication is a two way street… I have yet to make mends with my mother.
Date: October 14, 2008
Sometimes we just have to forgive those who’ve hurt us in the past for our own good. It’s best to let the past go and focus on the present. It’s odd how family can sometimes bring so much tension.
Date: October 14, 2008
I am happy your family made it for a visit.
Time is just to short for bad and sad feelings.
I also understand it is hard to go back home and sometimes home just has to come to you.
Have a great day.
Pam
Date: October 14, 2008
I think you are dealing well with a hurtful past. You don’t owe them anything and yet you were hospitable. I am sure they appreciated the time spent with you. Visits should remain short!
Date: October 14, 2008
Beautifully written post!
I hope you are truly on the road to making peace with the past.
Hopefully this visit was another step in that direction.
I love the peaceful and serene picture you paint of Red Pine Mountain with your words.
Tracey
By the way, I just received “Disapearances” in the mail from Blockbuster to watch.
Date: October 15, 2008
This is such a beautiful post and one I can relate to so well. I wish I had a Red Mountain to escape to right now.
I don’t know if we can ever go home again. But I know I don’t ever want to…
Date: October 15, 2008
Family – it’s such a complicated relationship. Whenever I am with my family, I feel myself becoming that unsure, awkward child again. Our families are the only ones that can make us feel truly safe and loved while also having the ability to hurt us the most, without even knowing what they’re doing. You have done an amazing job of putting your past hurts where they belong, in the past and forgiving your mother. But that doesn’t mean the unpleasant memories won’t rear their ugly heads when you least expect it. Even in the best of families we have hurts, jealousies, and sad memories, but in your case the hurt has left deep scars which you have dealt with amazingly well. Thank goodness for mountain man, red pine mountain and your beloved dogs all around you.
Date: October 15, 2008
Your post is beautiful, I have some painful things I am going through with my own daughter and your words are like a song that helps my soul. forgiveness is so hard especially when it is family.But I also know It must be there… eventually.
Date: October 15, 2008
Hi, I just want to say thank you for stopping by with well wishes for my problem with my teeth – that was awfully sweet!
Date: October 15, 2008
I could have written that almost exactly. You very well described how I feel about my family.
Thanks for sharing. It sure helps to know I am not an anamoly.
Date: October 15, 2008
Hey! Beautiful entry, painful but beautiful. It is easier to forgive than to forget..because the child inside still hurts.
The hurt comes in waves, and sometimes the waters are angry and choppy, and then the waters calm. Sometimes all the hurt must remain under the surface. Its complicated, and there is no easy fix. Probably because we are all different in different ways.
Your Mountain sounds more beautiful everytime you write about it. Thanks for sharing:)
Date: October 15, 2008
“My heart aches to see us age”.
I can sure relate to that one.
——————-
I often wonder if things should be said, or are they best just left below a thin surface….forever?
——————–
for me anyways…
The more one goes out (into the woods) the more one goes inward(thinks too much)
I like more going in(to the city) and outward(into thinking less)
Date: October 16, 2008
Great post! I can so relate to this post. I think it is great how you paint the picture of calm with your words and then you express how hard it has been for you.
I visited back “home” a couple of years ago and it felt like I was visiting strangers. As we all know, families can be complicated. I still don’t know where my husband and I will end up living, but I know that I want to make “home” a place like you have at Red Pine Mountain.
Date: October 17, 2008
I love your blog! Thank you for visiting my blog. I too am in search of farming women blogs so yours is most welcome!
Please come often, I have bookmarked yours and will read daily.
Please keep in touch!
Linda
http://Coloradofarmlife.wordprss.com
Date: October 17, 2008
You post was wonderful today….
I too run to my horse.
Date: October 17, 2008
I think I am going to have to send you an emergency kit consisting of……KRISPY KREME’S and BOILED PEANUTS!!!!
Tracey
Date: October 18, 2008
Your mountain is beautiful. Those family gatherings can be difficult. It’s a good thing to bite your tongue. I let something come sailing out of my mouth earlier this year and YIKES! From now on I have nothing to say when certain people are around. Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. And also for becoming a follower.
Date: October 18, 2008
In a previous post, you spoke about your son and being able to experience a loving childhood through him, I thought about leaving a comment then to say, ” I understand.”
I wanted to say then that by loving my daughter as I would have wanted to be loved, I found comfort and an ability to let go of some painful memories.
I still have many tender places, but the longer I live, the less I’m am affected by the anger and sadness that once had such a tight grip on my heart.
Reading your words today, told with such openness and honesty, I once again felt a distinct kinship and recognition, “ahh, I thought,” as I read the last about wanting…
When you said, ” I’m not sure what I want from a past that tries to haunt me, but I no longer open those doors.” I thought about how lovely it is to reach a point in our lives where we allow ourselves to choose how and when we open the door to past and present without guilt or recrimination.
Thank you for sharing this today and thank you too for your kind words when you paid me a visit earlier. It made me smile…
Date: October 18, 2008
I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a wonderful peacefilled blog, for me it is a place I now come to for a respite from my life.
I am grateful to know that some where, someone has what I desire, home, family peace.
Date: October 19, 2008