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Absolutely Flabulous

This is going to be a departure from my usual posts so read at your own risk.

As I was visiting Chris’ blog, Living Well Naturally, I stopped to read her entry today which was a list of how to tell if you are getting older. I related to all of them but one of them in particular:

You know you’re old when:
* Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

reminded me of an incident which happened to me just recently and in an effort to not always be so serious on this blog, I decided to share with you my moment of total embarrassment.

Before my MRSA infection and subsequent RSDS diagnosis, I was for a brief moment in time a Size Zero. But after a year off my feet, I managed to pack on some pounds and I no longer am a member of the skeleton crew. In fact, I’m a nicely rounded Size 6 but because I spend every day in blue jeans and sweatshirts, I haven’t bothered to spend money I don’t have to update my wardrobe in my larger size. And, as with all women, hope springs eternal that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be a size zero again.

Recently, I had to attend a party which required wearing an evening dress. I looked in my closet and there was no way I was going to get those tiny evening gowns over my expanded body and I wasn’t about to go out and buy a dress I would never use again. I had seen many ads for undergarments that promise to shrink you two sizes so I decided if I bought one of those contraptions, I could use it to get into my old clothes.

When I put my new slim suit on, it did the trick. Yes, I felt like a sausage encased in a tight binding but my size zero dress went right on and I could still breathe somewhat. Problem solved and off I go looking totally glamorous.

As we were headed out the door for the party, I heard Mountain Man’s voice ring out behind me,
“What are those things on your back?”

I instantly thought of bugs and started swatting at some unseen insect.

“No, those lumps back there. It looks like you have your bra on backward and I know that can’t be you. What’s there?”

Leave it to men to always say what’s on their mind in the most indiscreet and loudest way possible.

Arrrgh! I dashed into the bathroom, turned around and there it was, just like Mountain Man so eloquently described it, two huge new lumps of fat on my back.

So impressed was I with the way my dress had gone over my body, I had forgotten to check the rear view.

The moral of this story is that if your body used to be a Size Zero and is now a Size 6 and you take an undergarment that promises to shrink you two sizes, remember all that extra body fat doesn’t disappear, no, it disperses somewhere, so be sure to look in the mirror to see if you like where it went.

I grabbed a shawl and wrapped it around my upper body and solved the problem of the lumps.

And, Mountain Man, well he was curious as to what those lumps were and I made some mumbling response but there are just some things you don’t want to share with the significant other in your life.